| Feb. 25th, 2008 @ 02:49 am This is not the end but merely the beginning of something incredibly great and very awesome |
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Current Location: My apartment
Current Mood:  blessed
Current Music: Mastisyahu-Youth(album)
Jesus's said in John 11:25-26-25Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
I've been asking myself that question lately and the only I answer I can come up with is a 100% yes. I've been going through a lot lately and at times I really wanted throw in the towel. Just stop believing and go about my life my own way. I couldn't walk away without searching for more of a reason than just being a believer. I started reading my Bible again on a more regular basis and I took a step from my involvement at my church to get my life back on track, also to take a closer look at myself as a follower of God. I realized I had clouded my judgment and hid things from God. I made decisions that were selfish and not thought through. I lost so much last year namely my grandfather. Since then I've talked to only two people about how I felt and they know who they are. For the first time in a long time I broke down and cried which I don't do often. I held all that in and now I can't hold it in. I miss my grandfather immensely, words cannot describe how much I'll miss but I know he's no longer in pain and that he's up there with God, Jesus, my grandmother, my uncle Steve and the rest of my clan that has passed on and gone home. I pray that he knew how much he meant to me before he returned to God. I remember the times we would talk about everything from politics to joining the military to what we were going to have for dinner. He cared so much for his family especially his grandkids. He loved all of us so much and would do whatever he could to help us. He always would tell me that he'd say a little prayer for me and to pray for him and read my Bible. I remember when I found out he had fallen ill with cancer, I was so taken back by it all. I lost an aunt and an uncle to diabetes, another to alcoholism, and my grandmother. I was about to lose another family member. I went down a few times to see him, I even went down to take him to chemo therapy and I was there for his operation. I didn't sleep well that night after returning to my hotel from the hospital. I remember calling a few friends and telling them I couldn't handle this it was to much. I also got a call from one of my grandfathers friends from Sierra Vista, they went to church together well to be exact he was a pastor there at the church. He prayed with me over the phone and it helped a little but not much I still couldn't sleep fearing that I would get a call that he passed away. I got a scare that dropped my heart into my stomach. The doctor called saying his heart stopped but they were able to revive him. I don't think I could've handled calling my family to tell them that or even he had passed on, it was so overwhelming that I couldn't handle it all. After that he was moved from care center to another after a run in with pneumonia which didn't help my family ease their worries only increased them. I remember visiting him and seeing a smile come across his face when I'd walk in the room. That smile of his, no matter what he always hd that smile and it just made you smile. He'd ask for a Dr. Pepper every time I'd see him and a cheeseburger from McDonalds. Paige and I visited him together once and man did he light up, you'd think he would've jumped out of bed and would say "Let's go to McDonalds and get something to eat". He wanted so desperately to get out of there and so did we of course. I went to go see him at the second care center where he was doing more physical therapy. He was able to sit on the edge of his bed and almost stand up or well he did for a few seconds and that brought so much hope into my heart that he was going to get better and leave the care center. I talked to him and he not so much said but it was the way he responded. I asked him if he was ready to go home and he said or well tried to say yes but I knew thats what he said because he nodded as well. Then I asked if he was ready to get back to Sierra Vista to his home and he didn't reply really so I continued and asked if he was just ready to get out of there and he said yes with such enthusiasm or well what he could show for his current state. I noticed he was reading a book by Billy Graham along with his Bible. I thought nothing of it really he always talked about Billy Graham. Then came thanksgiving and then black Friday and black Friday took a whole new meaning fore me. I was at work trying to count own my drawers for the day and then my mom called and asked where I was. I told I was finishing up and asked what was up, she responded with a nothing just call when you get home. I hung up and thought nothing of it, then Paige called me and told me. I was angry, sad and crying at the same time, I hammer punched the garbage can in the back and it jumped a few inches into the air. I ran to my parents house, to see what was going on and where my dad was. To make this part of the story short I bid my farewells with my family, held a Dr Pepper can in honor of him and drank in his honor as well, but I know I'll see him someday soon, with that trademark smile of his and on that day we'll share a Dr Pepper and a burger together. I'll miss you PawPaw but I know I'll see you again.
So with all of that, I'm no longer engaged for those that might not know and well I've come to the conclusion that it's for the best. I made some mistakes and she made some as well. We rushed into it all and put God on the back burner.
So like I said I've recently started spending more time with God and his word and thirsting more and more to know him more. I've also connected with a few lost friends and restarted those friendships. I've got my fellow artists to create new things with and to nerd out with. My old friends from the "bethany" days that I've started hanging out with again, my hxc scene "bros", my comic book friends and my family at sun valley cc and of course my family. All these people I would lay down my life for, if they ever needed help I would be there at a drop of a hat. To all of you I give thanks to you for being there for me these past few months and to God for blessing me with such great friends and family.
My faith is stronger than ever and I'm growing closer to God with each passing day and the hunger I have to learn more from Him is never ending. Along with that my art has started to improve, all I want to do now is create and I can't be stopped. Well unless I'm at work then I can't because I need to be on the phone helping people. But when I'm not at work or with my friends I'm reading my bible and creating art. I've also got to meet and talk to some awesome people who I hope become friends.The fire in my heart has been re-ignited and there is no telling what God has planned for me or whats going to come this year but I'm ready for it and I know He'll see me through.
I thank you all for your friendship, encouragement, love and support, I pray that God blesses you as he has me. Praise and thanks to the Lord. |
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